My master’s research (Calman, 2022) focused on the experiences of plurilingual international students at a Canadian university. One of the most salient themes that came through in the data was experiences of being ignored and excluded by local students. Being ignored is recognized as a microaggression in one of the foundational and most heavily cited articles on the subject (Sue et al., 2007). But what about when someone is being ignored… politely?
These experiences of being ignored through politeness were extremely frustrating for the participants in my study, who felt that their ability to forge working relationships, social connections, and ultimately their ability to communicate was mired in local students’ weaponized politeness. Vivienne, one of the participants in my study, and her international peers had a term for this ultra-subtle microaggression:
We call it the Canadian smile. So, they’re being very polite to you. And then you ask question, and they say, ‘Oh yes, you are right!’ and ‘yes, this is this and this is that’ and they’re being extremely polite and they’re extremely ignoring you. They politely refuse to make progress in a conversation. So, they make something that could be a great and deep conversation to become small talk. They don’t follow up on what you suggest on your comments on what you are showing interest in. They just give you the shortest politest answer possible, so you wouldn’t be able to use it against them to say that this person is being racist, or this person ignored me. — Vivienne
Canadians have an international reputation for being overly, even absurdly, polite. But this politeness can constitute a microaggression, in that it is very possible to “politely” show someone that they are not worth your time, as Vivienne explains above.
Another participant in my study described how, rather than ask for clarification (RUDE!) her peers would pretend to understand what she had said, which ultimately created problems for everyone.
My friends just guess what I’m saying, instead of asking me what was I saying. They just try to guess, and they make an assumption whether I’m saying something, and they answer my question in a really different way. — Isabelle
This interested me as a researcher, but also hit me as a white, linguistically majoritized individual because I KNOW that I have been on the other side of an interaction like this. I have, many times in my life, nodded and smiled rather than ask for clarification. I think we all have. I have done this when I am travelling, and someone asks me a question in an unfamiliar language. I have done it when someone has spoken to me in English, and I haven’t understood them. I have done it when I don’t quite make out what my wife is saying… but I already asked her to repeat herself… and I’m pretty sure it’s something about the dishes… but was it “thank you for doing the dishes,” or “could you do the dishes”?
Most importantly, I know I have pretended to understand my peers when I could not, and I thought it was the polite thing to do because I did not want to offend them by admitting I couldn’t understand what they had said. But in doing so I actually did a great disservice to them and myself.
It’s important to recognize that all communication is intended to resolve a barrier between individuals and foster understanding. I am reminded of this reality frequently by my wife when I ask her questions which have sprung from 10 minutes of internal monologue that make no sense, i.e., “is it worth making if we don’t have any red onion?” To which she rightly replies, “Ben, we don’t share a brain, what are you talking about?” I sometimes forget that we are not the BORG.
Without a collective consciousness, my wife and I—and most people—rely on breaking down the barrier between self and other through communication in dialogue. We communicate in order to figure out whether to eat fish tacos for dinner, like in the example above (it’s really not worth it without the red onion, lesson learned!) but also for more important things like communicating with peers, colleagues, professors at university, bosses, doctors, police officers collaborators, people in positions of authority, and friends.
The point is that it is a great disservice to a speaker to nod, smile, and feign understanding in order to be polite rather than to say “Sorry, I didn’t understand you.” Or “could you explain that again?” or any number of potential self-effacing phrases oozing with deference and, of course, politeness.
Pretending to understand someone, rather than (politely) asking for clarification, puts undue communicative burden on the speaker –they now have to make their point and triple check that the listener isn’t just nodding along. It also can send the message to the speaker that their input is not important or valid. Listening and clarifying is part of communication. All communication is about breaking down barriers, so don’t be embarrassed to say, “I don’t understand.”
References
Calman, B. (2022) Linguistic inclusion and discrimination: The experiences of plurilingual international students in a Canadian university. [Unpublished master’s thesis]. McGill University.
Sue, D. W., Capodilupo, C. M., Torino, G. C., Bucceri, J. M., Holder, A. M. B., Nadal, K. L., & Esquilin, M. (2007). Racial microaggressions in everyday life: Implications for clinical practice. American Psychologist, 62(4), 271-286 https://doi.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0003-066X.62.4.271
